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As a prostitute I rarely did kink with my clients, because my clients were kind of nervous about doing kink with someone who didn't advertise specifically for that. In London I ended up deciding that my ideal was to ditch both idealized models and be a kinky girlfriend experience, allowing me to do what I really liked: My job satisfaction increased dramatically with that assertion of my agency and my refusal to indulge the dichotomy, something that feels safe for other sex workers but felt stifling to me.
In this piece I say "pro-domme" and "prostitute" interchangeably to embrace all three of my experiences in the profession; of course, other workers' limits vary. Do I sell sex? Do I sell a perfectly manicured, patriarchy-approved, domme dream figure? Looking over the comments on my last piece, I was amused and saddened to see that people thought that I was glamorizing the work, and yet I was someone no one decent wanted to be around.
I haven't found that to be true, of course, but that stigma is part of what keeps sex workers marginalized and at risk for assault, rape, and murder. Abusers know they can get away with hurting sex workers, because society says sex workers have no self-worth and are isolated. I was told multiple times that sex workers have a lifespan of 34 years -- maybe it has something to do with the way people treat sex workers as less than human , including within the comments on pieces about sex work.
And some of the worst comments have come from other feminists, women who feel they have a right somehow to gaslight me, tell me I'm worthless, and treat me like an enemy, not like another woman, and all so that we " think of the poor victims " instead of thinking how those funds are misappropriated by people in power to line their own pockets.
One of the major complaints I've run into as a feminist and a sex worker is that I'm adding to the objectification of female bodies as commodities. One excellent and now ex-blogger Bitchy Jones used to write a lot about this, about how professional dominatrixes ruined femdom for female dominants by feeding into the passivity of "my pretty is my worth.
Dominant women are beautiful. And that's why the guy gets on his knees. That is what he worships. I don't just mean in porn -- I mean the whole "story" of femdom runs along these lines.
It's pretty interesting that, where men have decided to allow women to have "power" for their own wanky needs, that this is the kind of power they choose to give her. The power of being desired. A completely passive power. Dominant sexuality is active -- not passive.
It's wrapped in this your-pretty-is-your-worth shit. Now, I get what she's saying here. That said, I feel like it's a myth that's been making the rounds, that you have to fit a certain type of beauty to be financially viable as a sex worker. I have not found that to be the case, and, looking at other pro-domme websites, there are a lot of body types and ethnicities, along with a variety in ages, and of all the types of sex work where you have face-to-face contact, pro-domming is probably the least likely to judge you on your looks; instead, you're likely to be judged on your reputation and skills.
I think that in our consumerist society, we tend to judge people on what we think they're worth an awful lot, whatever their profession. I mean, I can't show up to the office wearing whatever I want, not having brushed my hair or teeth; no matter where you work, looking presentable is generally required. I don't think that's limited to sex work.
But sex work is older than consumerism. It used to be sacred. And honestly, if I was in an environment where my housing and food needs were taken care of in a quality way, and if I didn't need money to get by the way we do now, I'd be a sacred whore, doing it for the energy and the exchange, not for the money. But I don't live in that society. I need to put food on the table. If I want to be able to improve my life and quality of living, I need to make moola.
I choose to do sex work, where I set my price and hours and vacation time myself particularly in the U. I say, "This is what an hour of my time is worth to me," and if a person disagrees, they call someone else. It narrows down whom I see into a bunch of folks who appreciate me in ways I would never be appreciated in the office cubicle world.
And I have the control. I get to decide how I want to budget, whom I see and when, whom to be polite to, and whom to decline. As an independent sex prostitute something that offers me a lot of privilege, as does being white, educated, and middle class I get to decide whom to see, so during my sessions, we tend to explore queer sexuality.
My sexuality, mind; most of my clients are straight men, or at least thought they were when we started! And rarely, if ever, has it been about penis-in-vagina sex; men don't come to me for that, because I demand more out of them. And Bitchy Jones, it's not that I don't like sex; I do, but really, I need sex to be more interesting than just PIV to be hot for me, partner or punter. I expect them to challenge their assumptions of what makes male and female, what is appropriate and what isn't.
We discuss and explore power: I enjoy demonstrating that penetration is not a male act, or even something only men enjoy. I enjoy discussing sex, and gender and class. I like to help men in positions of power rethink femininity and feminism. My work is intellectually stimulating and challenging, and it uses my brainpower more than any other job I've had.
And yeah, I also like sex, and I like sex with men. How does that make me less of a feminist? As a sex worker, I set terms, I create clear and defined boundaries. You are now leaving Pornhub. Go Back You are now leaving Pornhub.
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