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You are, in all likelihood, the easiest and least stressful relationship they have ever had. To that kind of guy, you are basically a unicorn. Unfortunately, instead of embracing the situation as it is… they feel like they need to lock this down.
They want to round that unicorn up, tame it, ride it until its heart meter fills and they can put it in their stable. Some of this is due to inexperience. A lot of people myself included, way back when will find a situation like this and feel like they have to grab it with both hands. They believe that this is a once-in-a-lifetime situation.
They think they will never find someone this awesome that will make them feel this good and if they miss out, then they will go to their graves believing they missed their One True Love. There's also a fair amount of social programming involved.
A lot of people feel like every relationship needs to have the potential to be their last, and have a hard time dealing with the idea that some relationships are temporary and just for fun.
As much as we like to talk about guys just wanting sex, a lot of dudes also start a friends-with-benefits relationship and catch feels. Some of this comes down to the difference between a fuckbuddy and a friend with benefits. In a fuckbuddy relationship, the relationship is about the sex.
In a friends with benefits arrangement, you're friends… who just happen to have sex. Some guys can handle that. For others, the combination closeness and emotional intimacy and occasional bed-rocking sex means that they can't keep maintain the necessary emotional distance. One thing is to make sure you're not setting up a dating frame. Part of what's confusing these guys is that you're acting like a traditional relationship: The long dates, the longer talks, the flirting, the post-coital cuddles… to a lot of people, that's going to feel like y'all are headed toward a fairly standard relationship.
You're saying one thing, but the way you're acting says another, so it's pretty understandable that wires are getting crossed. If you say you're not a couple but go play house in IKEA, people might understandably get confused. So it may help if you make more of an effort to keep things casual if you're not sure about the guy.
I know you want that closeness that comes with a friendship, as well as the occasional fun naked time. But if you want to break this particular cycle, that closeness may have to be something they earn over time if they show that they can handle it. The other thing you can do is focus on dudes who're your type but who also have a bit more experience under their belt. They may be older. They might be more emotionally mature. But someone with a little more life experience may be more compatible with what you're looking for right now.
You may also just have to ruthlessly compartmentalise — some friendships for the closeness and intimacy, some for the sex, and never the twain to cross. It isn't easy or efficient, but it may be one of the ways you can meet your needs. Unfortunately, there's no real way to guarantee that somebody won't catch a case of the feels and repeat the cycle. You can only do so much; your potential partners are going to have to do their share as well.
There'll always be guys who swear they can keep things casual… right up until they can't. There's a certain amount of trial and error that you just can't get around, unfortunately. But there are guys like that out there. Your advice has helped me for a long time and now I feel like I'm in uncharted territory here. I'm a young gay woman with a break-up problem.
Very recently I broke up with my girlfriend of six months, Jenny not her real name. Jenny is a wonderful person and we've become close, but I knew she was in love with me, while I didn't feel the same way and could not foresee a strong romantic future with her, feeling more like we would work better as friends.
After deciding I needed to break up with her, I possibly made a mistake of waiting a couple of weeks to actually do it so that it happened after her birthday and after she finished some stressful school projects. Meanwhile, I have a friend, Tanya not her real name.
Tanya and I met while working professionally on a freelance project, and we subsequently became friends almost exclusively through text, seeing each other never alone maybe three times since we finished the project months ago.
In the couple weeks leading up to breaking up with Jenny, it became clear to me that Tanya and I had a lot of chemistry and that I could see myself dating her.
Once I made the decision to break up with Jenny, my ideal plan was to remain friends in whatever way worked best for her. Then after a month, following another professional engagement I had with Tanya and assuming I still felt strongly about her, I would ask Tanya out. This plan seemed fool-proof and even kind in my mind: Have a healthy break up, give myself and my ex time to grieve, then proceed to move on and date a new person. However, things changed when I actually broke up with Jenny.
She was absolutely devastated, more so than I feared she would be. This was the first serious relationship she had had with another woman, and I don't think she had been in love with anyone like she was with me. And yet I broke her heart. She tried to bargain with me and ask if there was a way we could come back in a week and rethink it, or if it was something she did or didn't do that she could fix, but I assured her that my choice to break up had nothing to do with her actions, and that my feelings would not change, as I didn't want to give her false hope.
But as careful as I tried to be, she was still devastated. What shocked me the most was when she asked if it was because of someone else - specifically, if it was because of Tanya. Jenny had been cheated on by previous partners, and it made her anxious and constantly afraid of it happening again.
She knew Tanya and I texted often, and on the few occasions we did see each other, Jenny could sense Tanya was into me even when I couldn't at the time. She did not mention any of this to me prior to this day, for fear she would seem paranoid, which I understand. I confirmed to Jenny that I have not cheated on her, and it's just about how I feel about her, and no one else.
However, right after that, she told me she was in a relationship before where she suspected her boyfriend was cheating. Once they broke up, her former boyfriend and the woman she suspected was the impetus for the breakup began dating almost immediately - and it crushed Jenny, and caused a term of depression and amped up her anxiety. So it turns out my plan was not anxiety-proof. At the end of the long, tearful break up, we agreed to be friends, but she definitely need some time to process, which I'm hoping she genuinely takes.
So, I feel like I'm in an ethical dilemma. Protect my ex's feelings and potentially her mental health but lose the possibility of seeing a woman I really like? Or do what I want and date this woman, but take the risk of further hurting my ex and any potential friendship we have?
Jenny is not my girlfriend any more, and even if we became friends, it isn't her business who I date. However, she specifically said that the idea of Tanya and me dating would cause her a lot pain, and since I already broke her heart, to compound that with dating the one person she was afraid I was into could only make things worse for her mental health. Because otherwise I would feel tempted to just rush into her arms, I talked to Tanya, especially since very recently through text she has been flirty, while I've been giving her a lot of mixed signals.
I explained to her that although originally I intended to ask her out after some time passed, Jenny's visceral reaction to the idea of us dating has given me pause, and even though we both want to date, I would need more time to decide what I think is right.
Tanya understood, thankfully, so I have more time to figure it out and gauge how my ex is processing everything. So what do you advise, Doc? I want to be cheesy and "follow my heart", but I also want to do right by my ex and not be insensitive. Thanks in advance for any insight you have. There is no fool-proof break up plan. Break ups are rarely easy and never painless. Even when it's one that needs to happen, or even just the natural end to a relationship, there's going to be pain.
Something that has been part of your life is ending, and that hurts. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The only thing you can do is make the break up as compassionate as possible and avoid needless pain.
You aren't responsible for someone else's feelings. It absolutely sucks that Jenny is hurt by this. It's good that you're trying to be compassionate. It says a lot about you as a person that you're worried about her. But I'm gonna have to bring out the chair-leg of truth here: You can't let her having a sad control your future. Let's game this out a little. How long does Jenny's broken heart get to dictate who you do or don't date? Are you going to have to wait until you are per cent, positively, absolutely sure that she's OK before you're allowed to date someone else, whether it's Tanya or some other person?
What if she just plain never gets over you? The dilemma you're facing here isn't unique. I've lost track of the number of people I've seen on both sides of the break-up who either used the "you broke my heart" bit on someone or had it used against them. And make no mistake: It's a way of controlling one's ex by setting the terms of the break-up.
You aren't "allowed" to do something because she's been hurt like this before and how could you do it to her again you were so special and so on. I'm not saying Jenny is doing this deliberately or maliciously. I think she's genuinely hurt. But that doesn't mean that she isn't trying to basically keep you single. Whether she's hoping it means you'll come back to her or if she just is trying to put off not having you in her life, it's still manipulative. I have nothing but empathy for her.
Having an ex dump you and immediately take up with someone else hurts like nothing else. Having it be the person they were cheating on you with — even though in this case that isn't what happened — is the lemon juice on the open wound for that extra kiss of eau d' fuck you.
But the fact of the matter is that as much as the break-up may have sucked for her, she has to be the one to put on her big girl pants and deal with it.
It's not on you to be her combination shrink and break-up Sherpa. You don't need to get her over this particular hill. You've already done what you could to make this as clean a break as possible. If you're worried about her, then you can provide her with numbers for a therapist or call her friends and let them know that Jenny could really use their love and support right now.
But there comes a point where she's going to have to be able to handle things on her own. When one person in the relationship pursues the other for sex, the partner is likely to feel pressured and tends to withdraw. This dynamic can be very damaging for the relationship.
Sometimes men are at a loss to understand what happened and the anger and resentment that they feel does not help them in improving the situation. Unfortunately due to the impact their attitude and behaviour sometimes has on their partner, a bigger distance is created which is not beneficial when trying to establish or re-establish, a fulfilling and healthy sexual relationship. Masturbation may provide short term relief but it does not meet people's emotional, physical and sexual longings.
The lack of sexual intimacy with their partner and the on going deprivation that they may feel or the obligatory sex their partner may engage in can have an impact on a man's self esteem and confidence. It can also sometimes create uncertainty and scepticism about the long term success of the relationship.
This can be quite distressing and confusing, especially when they love their partner. Men and women often value different things in a relationship.
While emotional intimacy and communication are often core needs that women require in order to feel satisfied in a relationship, for many men it's regular lovemaking. Often for men, regular sex is affirmation of self worth and of their masculine identity. Without sex, some men find that other relationships are adversely affected, including, family, social and workplace relationships. It can also lead to depressed moods and withdrawal. Biologically men and women have been programmed differently in order for us to maximise reproduction and hence species survival.
For many men, a healthy sexual relationship is imperative in order for them to feel happy and loved. Constant refusal or obligatory sex can leave men feeling rejected and lonely. There are many things that men can do to help get their sex life back on track. Coercing and blaming your partner, making her feel guilty or forcing her in anyway is not going to provide you with a long term satisfying relationship, sexual or otherwise.
How can you help increase your partner's interest in sex? It's important for the man to understand that this is not 'her problem'. In order for you to enhance your partner's interest in engaging in lovemaking, even when her desire is low, means that you have to go the extra mile. If you do not want perfunctory, obligatory sex for the rest of your life, you need to be interested in finding reasons for her to want to have sex with you. For some women, their need to be sexual with their partner is not indicative of the love they feel for him.
Identifying her 'Desire Enhancers' what turns her on will increase her willingness and her desire to have sex.
It's important that you're aware of what these are i. Often women enjoy the closeness and affection that sexual contact provides.